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Well I’m late reviewing one of the biggest movies this summer, and one of the highest grossing films the last 20 years. There’s a reason for this though, I really had no interest in seeing it.

The Scoop

Famed archaeologist/adventurer Dr. Henry “Indiana” Jones is called back into action when he becomes entangled in a Soviet plot to uncover the secret behind mysterious artifacts known as the Crystal Skulls.

The Problems

Where do I start? When did Indiana Jones go from likeable, cocky, adventurer to Suerhuman, predictable and uninteresting? How stupid does Spielberg think we are to throw this amount of horrible action in our faces?

Indiana Jones has turned into a super-human action hero, apparently he must be one of the new X-Men. He survives a nuclear blast by hiding in a fridge. A fride. A FRIDGE! What drugs was Spielberg taking when he wrote this junk? Indy gets sent thousands of feet into the air by a nuclear blast and walks away with no injuries or radiation.

Harrison Ford then takes out an army of Russian soldiers by himself and manages to defy gravity and physics with his lasso. Enough!

Shia LaBeouf : An unlikeable leading male actor at the best of times, his role as newly discovered son “Mutt” was disasterous to say the least. His character was unwatchable and predictable as the angry 50’s greaser with an attitude. Not only was Shia LaBeouf an epic stink, his character was so hateable I was wishing a thousand horrible deaths on him through the entire film. I found myself laughing out loud when he showed up on his Harley, trying to look like a serious 50’s bad boy.

Karen Allen Her acting is two steps below that of Paris Hilton. I couldn’t decide what was worse, her weight gain, her complexion or her hair. The people in charge of wardrobe had a challenge when trying to make it appear the years have been kind to Allen, they solved this by giving her old lady pants that get tied up just below the boobs, making it appear she still has a waist.

The Action

The action in this movie was insulting and downright pathetic. Indiana’s lasso seems to go from 6′ to 200′, a device similar to Wonder Woman’s magic lasso. The Filmmakers assume you are mentally challenged when LaBeouf’s infamous Tarzan scene occurs, as he catches up to the villain’s car by swinging vine to vine through the dense amazon rain forrest. The same group of cars that were doing 60 mph on an open road, and were miles ahead of him. Yeah, I almost threw up my salsa all over my Kirkland Jeans after watching this disgusting assault on the senses.

Let me just point this out one more time. He swung like Tarzan, from vine to vine, and caught up with the cavalcade miles ahead of him. I’m angry thinking about it.

OMG WTF Moments

A recap of the WTF moments in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. These are a few notable moments where I yelled profusely at the Plasma.
- Shia LaBeouf’s Tarzan scene.
- Harrison Ford surviving a nuclear blast in a fridge
- Karen Allen driving her car/boat off of waterfalls with vertical drops of 500+ ft
- Karen Allen driving the car/boat onto a tree, before hitting the river, to cushion the fall.
- The box the Alien is hidden in is extremely magnetized, yet it affects nobody in the room carrying metal.
- Indiana and Mutt are in the diner, already seated and talking when Mutt introduces himself. They arrived there together a long time ago, yet they just do the introduction? WTF?
- The Romance. When I watched Karen Allen and Harrison Ford make out, I felt all dirty inside.
- This pile of crap film grossed over 780 Million dollars. WTF?

The Verdict

So let me summarize the plot for you. Indiana is superhuman, his son is Tarzan and karen Allen plays a cougar you wouldn’t flirt with after 6 dozen beer and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Aliens, The Mayans and UFO’s all enter the mix with no real rhyme or reason. Throw in a few corny fight scenes and it all adds up to one of the worst movies I have ever, and I mean EVER, had to sit through in my entire 37 years on this planet.

The only thing worse than the acting and the action was the way I was reminded it was the 1950’s over, and over and over and over again.. every 3 minutes.

WE GET IT! Its the 50’s! Stop throwing in the pathetic reminders whenever you get a chance. Shia LaBeouf is constantly combing his hair, playing with his switchblade and letting us know its the 50’s. Spielberg won’t let you forget either, every chance he gets there’s another reference to the era.

The movie is predictable every step of the way, and hopefully.. for the love of god, they have killed this series for good. Please, no more.. let the character and the franchise die.